Story of My Life

number nine;

It’s friday most people would be so excited the weekend is here and they get to party and see friend’s. not me. I’m just happy I don’t have to be in school seeing everyone. It’s sad isn’t it? This entire week I have cried every single day. I haven’t been this broken in so long. I never cry in front of my parent’s and today i balled my eyes out to the point I had an anxiety attack. Why you ask? I lost my best friend. He didn’t die, he didn’t move, but he chose a different path. He believe stupid rumors that I promise you were not true, but I understand. It’s difficult when you have multiple people coming at you telling you different stories as to “what they heard”. So I can’t be mad at him for taking their side and dropping me as a friend. Don’t get me wrong our friendship has been on the rocks for a long time. We’ve been non-stop arguing and it’s really sad. I’m just sad. So sad that our 10 year friendship shattered over a petty thing like this. I was the bigger person, I went directly to his girlfriend and told her first hand I did not say any of the things she was told, she is such a nice girl and blamed herself. I was mad at her for doing that, none of this is her fault, she’s just in the middle of a bad situation and I am so sorry this all happened to you. If I could change it I would. I also went directly to one of the many people who started these rumors, and him and I are okay now. I understood he misunderstood what he heard me speaking about. I just hate how every small thing someone says is twisted and spreads like wild fire at my school. I know it happens everywhere but I don’t know anything but the walls I live behind for 8 hours a day. I truly wish I could fix our friendship and fix everything that’s happened. I wish it didn’t happen this way, and I just want my best friend back. But everything happens for a reason, I don’t get the reason why this happened but one day i’ll look back and be able to understand it. Maybe I won’t. I am so sorry from my whole heart. I love you, I wish you the best with everything and I’ll miss you.

xoxo

-j

number eight;

today would mark 3 years. 

3 years for me and my ex boyfriend.

although were not “together” anymore. we still talk. and well hook up. a lot of my friends think it’s dumb but we both know we’d rather still have each other this way then not at all. i’m leaving for college soon, he’s a year younger so he’ll still be here. today i told him i applied to a school in florida. he said “well youll have to move on sometime” it’s true. and i just kinda don’t wanna move on. i want him and i to stay this way forever. it’s so stupid to be this way but a lot of people don’t know how much he means to me. i guess it is selfish of me though, he needs to move on too. i want him to find someone else and be so happy with her. i want him to fall in love. i know i love him, maybe not the way everyone else wants to love someone, but i love everything about him. being in love with someone, i can’t say that i am. but for now i am happy with us. in two days well have to face valentines day. i told him i wanted him to write down all the favorite memories he has about our past three years together and not together. i’ve started mine that i’m going to give to him. it’s really hard to write them all down when i really just wanna scream how much he means to me. but, i can’t. because i’m slowly letting him go. he doesn’t realize it and i don’t want him too. i want him and i to slowly drift apart and just simply be happy without one another. 

if you love something you have to set it free, if it comes back you’ll know it’s meant to be.

how do i know we’re meant to be?

i don’t.

for now, we may not have forever but, we have each other.

he’s not only my ex boyfriend, but he is and always will be a dear friend.

you are truly special in every way. follow your dreams as far as they take you, live your life without me. i know you can do it, and i know one day we will meet again. your soul is truly beautiful.

love always,

j

number seven;

Dear someone special, You are perfectly imperfect. Your my best friend and I wish you saw how amazing you truely were. I’m so sorry for everything I have put you through in the last month. I just never thought the day would come when you would be some one else’s. I have been so selfish and impossible to converse with. Our friendship was on outs because I wanted to quit. I wanted to give up and move away from the drama. You wouldnt let me walk out of your life. You wanted me to stay and I’m glad I did We fight like were brother and sister but I just want you to always know I hold you so close to my heart. You mean more to me then anybody on this planet because you have been there for me through what seems like it all. Our friendship may have been on the rocks but I know we will both try to move forward ans stop taking eachother for granted. My heart almost shattered when I realized what I had done. Your heart is so big and please never stop being you. You have been put through so much with the divorce of your parents and the death of your oldest brother in 2010. I want you to know that as much as we claim we hate eachother ans may want to yell and scream at eachother sometimes, I will be here forever. When I say forever I don’t mean until graduation day when after this summer ill be going to college and having to say goodbye. I mean forever until I die. Because you are the one guy I want in in my life forever. I don’t ever want to lose the friendship we have had for 10 years. You are truely wonderful and I love you and want to thank you, because I don’t say it enough. Never forget who you are and how much you mean to me. If someone ever makes you feel otherwise just remember me and how great you were too me I love you best friend/second brother Love always, Your best friend/ sister

number six;

december 5th, already? i can’t believe this year has flown by. every year i always imagine what i’m going to be doing this exact time next year. i would have never pictured this or the people i’m friends with or the events that occured in the last year. from being with 3 different guys to ending up back to the one who everyone hates but i care for the most. too being cast as clara in the nutcracker for the second year. it’s all so strange how it happens, you really can’t predict the future. i don’t feel as if i’ve changed but it’s always odd to think about what i know now and what i wish i could tell myself in the past. obviously i can’t go back in time and do that but if i could, i would do it. i guess learning is a part of growing up and becoming a real woman so they would say. i’ve learned a lot but then again it’s the same standard stuff. 1+1=2, boys are all the same, and friends all stab you in the back at some point in your life. i guess that’s the “glass is half empty” perspective i have. but also, my friends are wonderful, i can make a difference and do something good with my life, i can break a bad habit, and i will be a girl that puts a smile on someones face. my family is amazing and i really can’t thank them enough for all they do for me, they are all so caring and really truely do want what’s best for me. i want to make a change, somehow i will do it. i need to start somewhere, and rachael joy scott started somewhere too. i don’t know why but she really did inspire me. even though my youth minister said “well how can they prove those events occurred” you know what i said, i said they can’t how can they prove the events in the bible really occurred either? you have to have faith, and believe in miracles and believe not all human kind is evil. i like to put forth that facade of “everyone is bad” but i truely always try to search for the good in people. i want to show everyone i’m not a horrible human, i want people to view the world as i do. i know its because i’m a dancer but mind has so many different thoughts but i like the way i think. i like me.

xoxo-j

number five;

After seeing the presentation about Rachel Joy Scott i thought about making a change, and trying to reach out to anyone i know to give them my help. Then someone i barely know, made a page on facebook “A thousand miles” (like it if you have facebook) about bullying and teen harassment. many people may not know this about me but i was bullied from the time i was in 5th grade up to now…I don’t complain about it or even tell people but even at the time people who i thought were my best of friends abused me. They turned on me and they did not want to have anything to do with me. Maybe because i wasn’t the nicest of people when i was younger but i still didn’t think i deserved that much mental abuse. I started cutting myself in 6th grade, most people start in highschool, not me. i was a 9 year old girl with as much pain as depressed teens go through. i hated myself i tried to actually pop pills of my parents medication, nothing worked because i never knew what i had been taking. nobody knew what i was doing or going through. i didn’t even care about life anymore i was tired and mentally exhausted. i was having pictures sent around the school because of the mistakes i made, i had guys grabbing my ass and only saying that i had a nice body. it wasn’t a good feeling. then about 8th grade my friends started to catch on and realize what i was doing. someone who lived across the street from me my whole life told a teacher what i was doing not until about 2 months ago did i know she did this back in the day. she and 3 other people will never know how much they mean to me. they pretty much gave me my life back. i love them tremendously every single day. it’s hard to get yourself out of depression and i still suffer with times of sadness but i want every single one of you to know if you ever need someone to talk to or to reach out to i’m always here. i know i’m just a person behind a computer but i do truly want to make a change and help someone. All life is beautiful and nobody should go through what i had to. I love all my friends and family so much for being there for me. and to all of you do what Rachel Joy Scott wanted, Create a chain reaction, you never know whose life you might change or even one heart you might touch. do it, you won’t regret it, i promise.

xoxo-j

number four;

I just was thinking, it’s really sad to me how so many blogs go unnoticed or even acknowledged the slightest bit. The ones that are full of stupid pictures of girls that are gorgeous and lower my own self esteem just by reblogging them everyday. those blogs are the tumblr famous blogs. It’s really sad because some people pour their hearts out on tumblr because it’s the only place they can go to complain and not have to have someone state an opinion on their shitty life. I’ve had this blog for a few days and I really don’t see the point I feel like it’s going unnoticed except by my one follower who is one of my best friends whose away at college. She’s the only person I told I made this secret blog. I wanna be noticed and that tumblr famous blog that gets read often. It’s selfish but oh well I really just want to inspire someone honestly I want to be a person whose words can save a life or change a mind. Maybe someday I can but for now I’m just one single soul with too many thoughts to get out. Goodnight.

xoxo-j

number three;

it’s so awkward when your talking to your ex and he accidentally sends you texts you know are meant for another girl. it’s not that i care because i know he’s not scummy enough to do anything behind my back because he knows i’ll find out but it just seriously pisses me off. when i hung out with him last night it was weird like i didn’t feel like i liked him anymore i wanna get rid of him but i know that a part of me still likes having him for some reason. we have so much history and it’s been almost two years and theres still this strong feeling between us. but the thought of him being happy with another girl makes me so irritated and mad. i’m not jealous because he’s not mine, but i don’t wanna see anyone else make him as happy as i do. i know it’s so selfish today’s just been an awful day i’m sick, tired, don’t wanna get up early for bowling and it still amazes me that i’m still this attached to him. 

I just want to know on his part how he feels about me, he can never explain it, no were not in love were young it’s not like that with us. were just understand of eachother but he never understands like OMG. i don’t know how to explain it i honestly hate the kid i hate him so FUCKING MUCH but for some fucking reason he makes me stupidly happy. like seriously happy and i don’t know why or how but it just happens.

xoxo-j

number two;

it’s kinda weird i started this blog on 11.11.11 i’m not a big wisher not really one at all. i play it off like i’m really cynical and it’s hard for me to admit that i actually do believe in the things everybody else does. i mean i don’t really wish on 11:11 but that happened about 5 years ago when i made a wish and the opposite happened so after that occurred i got scared and though i’m just bad luck so i never tried. I wish on my birthday that’s about it. but today i’m kinda hoping something magical happens, like a boy sweeps me off my feet or something cheesy like that. i doubt it will because i’m 1. sick with bronchitis, 2. have a boy in my life who i’ve gone back to about 1489745 times now and he’s my ex boyfriend, and 3. have work tonight…so the chances anything “magical” happening are probably 1-500. it’s funny seeing all the people around me so excited for this day and to “make a wish at 11:11” but even i was to wish, i honestly would wish that me and my ex just got back together and were “official” i don’t really know why i want that i just care about him but at the same time i don’t want the commitment either. it’s a really fucked up situation you’ll hear more about that eventually. have a good 11.11.11 <3

xoxo-j

number one;

My names jess. i live somewhere in new jersey where nobody cares about anyone but themselves. it’s sad how such young souls have already become so obsessed with their own lives over their friends or families. i’ve been exposed to things at a young age no girl should ever see or have to deal with. i’m the typical teenager just trying to seek happiness, but i’m also different hopefully you’ll see that when you soon learn more about me. i’m not here to try to impress anyone, i’m just trying to write about my life and hopefully i have an impact on someone anywhere. i also am writing to just get things off my chest to tell nobody and everyone how i’m feeling without having to expose myself. i’m jess, i dance, it’s honestly my life. it’s the only thing i can say that i have ever been in love with. i hope one day i find true love with a man, but for now dance is my love.

xoxo-j